Humor Schmunzelecke - Nur Text-Witze 2

[fa66]

Wie pinkelt ein Gallensteinpatient:

Spoiler

 

[razormax]

Woran erkennt man Borussia Dortmund Fans?

Spoiler

An den Zähnen, Schwarz-Gelb

 

[Elvisthegreat]

The Golf Course Incident
One fine morning, a Swede, an Irishman, a Scotsman, and their wives decided to enjoy a round of golf together. As they gathered at the first tee, the Swede’s wife stepped up to take her shot.
Just as she bent over to place her ball, a sudden gust of wind lifted her skirt, revealing that she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
Her husband, Ole, nearly choked. “Good grief, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any skivvies?!”
She simply shrugged. “You don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.”
Embarrassed, Ole sighed, reached into his pocket, and pulled out a fifty. “For the sake of decency, here’s some money—go buy yourself some underwear.”
Next, the Irishman’s wife stepped up to take her turn. As she bent down, another gust of wind sent her skirt flying, revealing that she, too, was going commando.
Her husband, Patrick, gasped. “Saints preserve us, woman! You’ve no knickers on! Why not?”
She sighed. “Well, you don’t give me enough money for such luxuries.”
Shaking his head, Patrick pulled out a twenty and handed it to her. “For the sake of decency, go buy yourself some underwear!”
Finally, it was the Scotsman’s wife, Aggie, who approached the tee. As she bent over to place her ball, the wind whipped her skirt right over her head—once again, revealing she was wearing absolutely nothing underneath.
Her husband, Duncan, groaned and threw up his hands. “For Jake’s sake, Aggie! Where the hell are yer drawers?!”
She crossed her arms. “Ye dinnae give me enough money tae afford any.”
Duncan sighed, reached into his pocket, and handed her a comb.
“Well, for the love o’ decency, at least tidy yerself up a bit.”

 

[Elvisthegreat]

A 75-year-old man walked into a busy doctor’s waiting room and approached the reception desk.
The receptionist greeted him and asked, “Yes, sir, what brings you in today?”
“There’s something wrong with my d!ck,” he replied matter-of-factly.
Shocked, the receptionist scolded him, “Sir, you can’t just say things like that in a crowded waiting room!”
“Why not? You asked, and I answered,” the man said.
Flustered, the receptionist sighed. “You’ve embarrassed everyone here. Next time, just say there’s something wrong with your ear or something, and discuss the details privately with the doctor.”
The man nodded, turned around, and walked out. A few minutes later, he re-entered the room and approached the desk once again.
The receptionist, now pleased with herself, smiled and asked, “Yes, sir?”
“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he said loudly.
Relieved, she responded, “Oh? And what’s wrong with your ear, sir?”
“I can’t piss out of it,” he replied.

 

[MacQandalf]

Aus einem Cartoon:

Ein Paar sitzt am Tisch und schaut sich Urlaubspostkarten an.

Sagt sie: "Schau mal Holger! Detlef und Monika haben mit 'DeMon' unterschrieben."

Antwortet er: "Das ist aber eine schöne Idee, Denise."

 

[razormax]

@MacQandalf
das ist aus 'nem Perscheid

 

[picknicker1971]

DingDong
"Guten Tag, ich sammle für das Altersheim"
"OOOMMA! Zieh Deine Schuhe an und komm runter!"

 

[MacQandalf]

@MacQandalf
das ist aus 'nem Perscheid

Ja.

 

[picknicker1971]

"Mutter, ich muss Dir etwas gestehen - ich date unseren Nachbarn"
"Kind, er könnte Dein Vater sein"
"Das Alter ist mir egal"
"Kind, Du hast mich offenbar nicht richtig verstanden"

 

[picknicker1971]

Ein Man mit einer Pistole stürmt in seine Eckkneipe und schreit "Wer hatte Sex mit meiner Frau? Ich knall Dich ab"
Eine Stimme aus der Menge " Du hast nicht genug Patronen"

 

[fa66]

Das ist aber eine schöne Idee

Hmm? Also auch ich finde HolDe ganz schön.

 

[picknicker1971]

Hmm? Also auch ich finde HolDe ganz schön.

Dein "lustiger" Kommentar funktioniert nur nicht, weil er die Logik nicht berücksichtigt (wie Du weißt)
Du hättest auch schreiben können "ich finde Holse oder Henis oder .. ganz schön". Super!
Aber ja, ist ein total raffinierter und lustiger Kommentar ...

 

[Elvisthegreat]

At 72 years old, Edgar decided it was time to find a new primary care physician. After a couple of visits and a slew of lab tests, the doctor finally sat him down to discuss the results.
“Well, Edgar,” the doctor said, “you’re doing fairly well for your age.”
Edgar frowned. “Fairly well?” he repeated, not entirely pleased with the wording. “Do you think I’ll make it to 80?”
The doctor leaned back in his chair and raised an eyebrow. “That depends. Do you smoke or drink beer?”
“Oh no,” Edgar replied, shaking his head. “I’ve never done either.”
“Do you eat rib-eye steaks or barbecued ribs?” the doctor asked.
“Certainly not,” Edgar said. “I’ve heard red meat is terrible for your health.”
“Do you spend much time in the sun? Golfing or gardening, maybe?”
“No,” Edgar replied. “I try to avoid the sun—skin cancer, you know.”
The doctor tilted his head. “How about gambling, driving fast cars, or chasing after women?”
Edgar sat up straight and answered firmly, “Absolutely not! I don’t do any of those things.”
The doctor looked at him for a long moment, then leaned forward and asked with a bemused smile, “Then why the heck do you want to live to be 80?”

 

[razormax]

a shorty:
What’s the difference between
an oral and a rectal thermometer?
The taste

 

[picknicker1971]

Spoiler: FSK 18

What does a vagina and rain have in common?
When its wet you go inside

 

[picknicker1971]

Brücken, Autobahnen, Bahn und es wird immer schlimmer.

Heute stand ich wegen Stromausfall 45 Minuten auf der Rolltreppe

 

[geronimoTwo]

»Banküberweisung« klingt für mich immer zu bürokratisch.

Ich nenne es Krötenwanderung.

 

[Siebenstern]

Eine junge Lehrerin bekommt im Unterricht Besuch vom Oberschulrat und vom Rektor. Die zwei setzen sich ganz hinten in die Klasse. Die hübsche Lehrerin ist nervös, sie unterrichtet die erste Klasse. Sie schreibt einen Satz an die Tafel und fragt: „Wer von euch kann diesen Satz lesen?“ Niemand hebt die Hand, die Lehrerin wird schon ganz unruhig. Da meldet sich Peter, der in der letzten Bank sitzt: „Die Lehrerin hat einen geilen Arsch.“ Die Lehrerin ist empört und schimpft. Da dreht sich der Peter weinend zum Oberschulrat und zum Rektor um und meint: „Wenn ihr beide schon nicht lesen könnt, dann dürft ihr auch nicht falsch vorsagen!“

 

[Willeswind]

Warum schafft Miss Piggy nie bis 70 zu zählen?

Spoiler

Weil sie bei 69 immer einen Frosch im Hals hat.

 

[razormax]

Zwei Kumpel unter sich:
''Wohin guckst du zuerst, wenn du eine schöne Frau siehst?''

''Ob meine guckt''