Humor Schmunzelecke - Nur Text-Witze

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An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. Never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... But... I've always wanted to."


There are a few lessons for us all here:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old men; they didn't get old by being stupid.
 
Who said praying doesn't work?

Dear Lord, I pray that soon I will meet Amy Winehouse. Could your almighty power make this happen.

Hans Janek, Age 14, Oslo
 
Das ist NICHT witzig... das ist nicht mal zynisch witzig...

Stell dir vor, DEIN Kind würde bei einem Gemetzel in der Jugendherberge umkommen...
 
@Ghostwheel

Ok, Humor hat viele Gesichter.
Aber findest du das lustig? :(
 
Och Leute, jetzt macht euch doch mal in die Hose.

Obli:
Trifft ein Belgier auf dem Spielplatz ein kleines Mädchen.
Er: "Na Kleine, wie alt bist du?"
Sie: "Morgen werd ich fünf."
Er: "Na warten wir's erstmal ab."
 
:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

"Dad, what to drugs do?" asked my 10 year old son,

"Drugs are very bad for you, son," I said, "They make everything look lovely when really they are horrible. I mean, look at your mother."

"Mum did drugs?!" he gasped,

"No, I did. Look at your mother."
 
"Waiter, waiter! There is a dead junkie with funny hair on my table."

"I'm sorry Sir, I thought you ordered the Winehouse."

"No, you fucking cunt, I ordered the house wine."
 
Who said praying doesn't work?

Dear Lord, I pray that soon I will meet Amy Winehouse. Could your almighty power make this happen.

Hans Janek, Age 14, Oslo
Lustig ist der nicht, aber es werden sicher noch bessere Oslo-Witze kommen. :D


Obli:
Trifft ein Belgier auf dem Spielplatz ein kleines Mädchen.
Er: "Na Kleine, wie alt bist du?"
Sie: "Morgen werd ich fünf."
Er: "Na warten wir's erstmal ab."
Der ist witzig! :thumbsup:

obli:
Eine Blondine ruft ihren Freund auf der Arbeit an: "Schatz, ich habe
hier ein Puzzle, aber ich kanns einfach nicht...jedes Teil gleicht dem
andern wie ein Ei!!"
Darauf der Freund:"Hast Du denn eine Vorlage? Wie sieht das Puzzle
aus?"
Die Blondine:"Naja, auf der Schachtel hat es einen Hahn, der ist ganz
rot...aber ich kanns trotzdem nicht!!"
Der Freund:"Ok, mein Schatz, reg Dich nicht auf, wir werden es heute
Abend zusammen versuchen..."
Am Abend treffen sich die Blondine und der Freund, er sieht sich die
Schachtel an..
GROSSES SCHWEIGEN...
Dann sagt der Freund:"So Schatz, wir packen jetzt die Cornflakes wieder in die Schachtel zurück und reden nicht mehr darüber...."
 
Was ist der Unterschied zwischen sexy und pervers?

Sexy ist, wenn die Freundin beim Strippen den Slip an die Wand wirft.
Pervers ist, wenn er an der Wand kleben bleibt.
 
Was ist der Unterschied zwischen geil und pervers?

Geil ist, eine Frau mit einer Feder zu befriedigen.
Pervers ist, wenn das Huhn noch dran hängt.
 
Videospiele haben mein Leben zerstört... egal, ich hab ja noch 2.

:D
 
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates,met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed,
and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest,
it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must
tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering
an entrance examination for everyone.The test is short, but you have to
pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is
good to be here, St. Peter, sir… But nobody ever told me about any entrance
exam.I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.
Life was a big enough test
as it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I
know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:
What two days of the week
begin with the letter T?

Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:
What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and
says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,
tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one –;
which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed,
'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do
have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit
for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about
that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve..'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve?
Twelve?Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'
Forrest replied,
'Shucks, there's got to be twelve:January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St.Peter.
'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,
though that was not quite what I had in mind...but I will have to give
you credit for that one, too.Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied,
'it's Andy'
'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'
'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,
' Forrest replied.'I learnt it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,
and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'
 
Männer bekommen von Schuhen Blasen und Frauen vom Blasen Schuhe.
 
Ein Türke ist auf der Autobahn unterwegs. Plötzlich bekommt er einen Plattfuss. Als er gerade dabei war das Rad zu wechseln, kommt ein Jugo angefahren, steigt aus und geht zum Auto des Türken und reisst dessen Radio raus.


Darauf der Türke wütend: "Hey, spinnst Du?" Darauf meinte der Jugo: "Pssst, ich Radio und Du Reifen!"







:crack:
 
I'm on a quest around the world to find Bigfoot.

I'd originally set out to find cheap petrol, but I decided to keep my goals realistic.
 
Ein Türke ist auf der Autobahn unterwegs...

Wille hat sich hier echt gut integriert; kaum in der Schweiz, schon rassistisch... :hehehe:


Obli:
Ein Arzt hatte gerade Sex mit seinem Patienten und hat ein total mieses Gewissen. *plopp* kommt das Teufelchen auf die rechten Schulter: "Hey, komm, mach dir nicht so nen Kopp, viele Ärzte hatten schon Sex mit Patienten..." Der Engel auf der linken Schulter unterbricht: "Ja, aber du bist Tierarzt, Alter.... Tierarzt ...
 
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