Humor Schmunzelecke - Nur Text-Witze 2
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Elvisthegreat
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I was the only speaker to show up at my alma mater, so I had the stage to myself. I talked about staying in school, getting good grades and all that usual bullshit; and since I had plenty of time because those other alumni didn't show, I threw it open for questions.
The last one asked was, "Can you give us a couple of your life's philosophical beliefs?"
I said, "That's an easy one. Looking back over my lifetime, I've spent most of my money on guns, airplanes, fast cars, women and whiskey. The rest I just wasted."
I was escorted off stage without getting to finish my last two rules to live by:
1) If it flies, floats, or fucks, it's cheaper to rent it.
2) If it's got tits or tires, you're gonna have problems with it.
I hope they invite me back next year so I can finish They need to know this shit!
The last one asked was, "Can you give us a couple of your life's philosophical beliefs?"
I said, "That's an easy one. Looking back over my lifetime, I've spent most of my money on guns, airplanes, fast cars, women and whiskey. The rest I just wasted."
I was escorted off stage without getting to finish my last two rules to live by:
1) If it flies, floats, or fucks, it's cheaper to rent it.
2) If it's got tits or tires, you're gonna have problems with it.
I hope they invite me back next year so I can finish They need to know this shit!
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Zwei Schüler streiten sich. Sagt der eine zum andern: «Du bist ein Kamel!»
Antwortet der andere: «Du bist ein viel grösseres Kamel!»
Da kommt der Lehrer hinzu und schimpft: «He, ihr habt wohl vergessen, dass ich auch noch da bin!»
Antwortet der andere: «Du bist ein viel grösseres Kamel!»
Da kommt der Lehrer hinzu und schimpft: «He, ihr habt wohl vergessen, dass ich auch noch da bin!»
Elvisthegreat
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Oder so
Anhänge
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166824181_10224552239377618_8818627773212318353_n.jpg
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Elvisthegreat
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Wie übersetzt der geneigte Englisch sprechende Macuser
Thüringen
doorwrestling
Thüringen
doorwrestling
WollMac
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Elvisthegreat
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Habe mal in den USA in einem Mietwagen das Navi auf Deutsch gestellt, sehr lustig
Das kann ich mir lebhaft vorstellen
Elvisthegreat
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Der Kollege mit dem ich unterwegs war - das war Ende der 2000er Jahre schwärmt heute noch davonDas kann ich mir lebhaft vorstellen
fa66
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Müsste das nicht Owlstead, Northerstead und Eaglesburgh heißen? Was ist mit Swiftson, Tinywoodbeck’s, Little Brush, Semaphore House Road, Owlland Street und Monksmountain Road?
Aus dem real-life: EIne Freundin schickte ihre Tochter (4 Jahre) in ihr Zimmer um es aufzuräumen, ein paar Stunden später sah es so aus wie vorher… Auf Nachfrage warum, antwortete die Kleine: das kann ich nicht wegen Corona…
(aufgeweckt die Kleine, sie hat begriffen dass in Pandemiefragen auch die absurdesten Argumente zählen)
(aufgeweckt die Kleine, sie hat begriffen dass in Pandemiefragen auch die absurdesten Argumente zählen
)
Elvisthegreat
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War bestimmt schon mal hier,
Ball Point Pens
When NASA started sending astronauts into space they quickly
discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat this problem, Congress approved a program and NASA
scientists spent a decade and over $165 million developing a pen that
writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any surface and at
temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil...
Your taxes are going up and up every year
Ball Point Pens
When NASA started sending astronauts into space they quickly
discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat this problem, Congress approved a program and NASA
scientists spent a decade and over $165 million developing a pen that
writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any surface and at
temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil...
Your taxes are going up and up every year
fa66
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Papa, du kommst zu spät! Ich hatte es ja aufgeräumt, danach habe ich aber wieder zu spielen angefangen.
Elvisthegreat
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Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opens a letter from home. Inside the letter is a $100 bill sent by her elderly parents. Smiling warmly at their generosity despite their straitened circumstances, she is about to tuck it into her purse when, through the window, she notices a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she writes, “Don't despair, Sister Barbara,” on a piece of paper, wraps the $100 bill in it, gets the man's attention, and tosses it out the window to him. The stranger picks it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, trots off. The next day, Sister Barbara is told that a man is at the convent door, and he insists on seeing her. She goes down to find the stranger waiting.
Without a word, he hands her a huge wad of $100 bills.
“What's this?” she asks.
“That's the $8000 you have coming Sister,” he replies, “less my small commission.”
“Don't Despair paid 80-to-1 at Belmont.”
Quickly, she writes, “Don't despair, Sister Barbara,” on a piece of paper, wraps the $100 bill in it, gets the man's attention, and tosses it out the window to him. The stranger picks it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, trots off. The next day, Sister Barbara is told that a man is at the convent door, and he insists on seeing her. She goes down to find the stranger waiting.
Without a word, he hands her a huge wad of $100 bills.
“What's this?” she asks.
“That's the $8000 you have coming Sister,” he replies, “less my small commission.”
“Don't Despair paid 80-to-1 at Belmont.”
