Humor Schmunzelecke - Nur Text-Witze 2
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picknicker1971
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Mein Vater kommt zu Besuch.
"Ohh, hier habt eine neue Waage im Flur stehen"
Was dann geschah war nicht schön für den Staubsaugerroboter
"Ohh, hier habt eine neue Waage im Flur stehen"
Was dann geschah war nicht schön für den Staubsaugerroboter
Elvisthegreat
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Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event
I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity? As in: “That’s a load of 2020.” or “What in the 2020.” or “abso-2020-lutely.”
My goal for 2020 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.
Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.... OK, I ate a pizza! Are you happy now?
I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below freezing outside they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.
I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
I love approaching 80, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.
A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I got up and searched with him.
I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
It’s weird being the same age as old people.
When I was a kid I wanted to be older...this is not what I expected.
Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.
It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.
Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true? Me: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember...Don’t sing!
If 2020 was a math word-problem: If you’re going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?
I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
Coronacoaster: noun; the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you’re loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.
I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.
You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event
I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity? As in: “That’s a load of 2020.” or “What in the 2020.” or “abso-2020-lutely.”
My goal for 2020 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.
Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.... OK, I ate a pizza! Are you happy now?
I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below freezing outside they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.
I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
I love approaching 80, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.
A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I got up and searched with him.
I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
It’s weird being the same age as old people.
When I was a kid I wanted to be older...this is not what I expected.
Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.
It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.
Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true? Me: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember...Don’t sing!
If 2020 was a math word-problem: If you’re going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?
I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
Coronacoaster: noun; the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you’re loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.
I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.
You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Elvisthegreat
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Do you know what this is ?
Tobacco Smoke Enema Kit
(1750s – 1810s).
The tobacco enema was used to infuse tobacco smoke into a patient’s rectum for various medical purposes, but primarily the resuscitation of drowning victims.
A rectal tube inserted into the anus was connected to a fumigator and bellows that forced the smoke into the rectum. The warmth of the smoke was thought to promote respiration.
Doubts about the credibility of tobacco enemas led to the popular phrase “blowing smoke up your ass.”
As you are most likely aware, this odd tool is still heavily used by governments today.
Tobacco Smoke Enema Kit
(1750s – 1810s).
The tobacco enema was used to infuse tobacco smoke into a patient’s rectum for various medical purposes, but primarily the resuscitation of drowning victims.
A rectal tube inserted into the anus was connected to a fumigator and bellows that forced the smoke into the rectum. The warmth of the smoke was thought to promote respiration.
Doubts about the credibility of tobacco enemas led to the popular phrase “blowing smoke up your ass.”
As you are most likely aware, this odd tool is still heavily used by governments today.
Anhänge
Zuletzt bearbeitet von einem Moderator:
A duck walks into a bar and asks: Got any Bread?
Barman says: No
Duck says: Got any bread?
No
Got any bread?
No, we have no bread
Got any bread?
No, we haven’t got any fucking bread
Got any bread?
No, are you deaf? We haven’t got any fucking bread, ask me again and I’ll nail your fucking beak to the bar you irritating bastard of a bird!
Got any nails?
No
Got any bread?
Barman says: No
Duck says: Got any bread?
No
Got any bread?
No, we have no bread
Got any bread?
No, we haven’t got any fucking bread
Got any bread?
No, are you deaf? We haven’t got any fucking bread, ask me again and I’ll nail your fucking beak to the bar you irritating bastard of a bird!
Got any nails?
No
Got any bread?
Verkäuferin in der Konditorei: «Ich kann ihnen diesen Pflaumenkuchen wärmstens empfehlen!» Kunde: «Ich weiss nicht. Der sieht aus, als hätten Mäuse dran rumgenagt!» Verkäuferin: «Unmöglich! Unsere Katze hat die ganze Nacht drauf gelegen!»
Elvisthegreat
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A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30 PM after enjoying a day of golf.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table, open mouthed, listening to the tirade.
"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a f____g mess and the dishes are still in the sink. I'm completely exhausted! I didn't get enough sleep last night.
Can't you see I'm still in my f____g pajamas? I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
Why the f___ did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid asshole?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married!"
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table, open mouthed, listening to the tirade.
"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a f____g mess and the dishes are still in the sink. I'm completely exhausted! I didn't get enough sleep last night.
Can't you see I'm still in my f____g pajamas? I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
Why the f___ did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid asshole?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married!"
Elvisthegreat
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picknicker1971
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Nach dem Lockdown beim Friseur gewesen - musste FaceID neu anlernen
cpx
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Elvisthegreat
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der Köter war so ziemlich das beste an dem Film
Ein Hai sitzt am Meeresgrund und versucht ein Kreuzworträtsel zu lösen, da kommt ein Fisch vorbei und der Hai fragt den Fisch:
«Fällt dir ein Meeresbewohner mit drei Buchstaben ein?»
Da antwortet der Fisch: «Mensch denk doch mal an dich selbst!»
Der Fisch schwimmt weiter, da klatscht sich der Hai mit seiner Flosse an die Stirn und sagt: «Nah klar Uwe.»
«Fällt dir ein Meeresbewohner mit drei Buchstaben ein?»
Da antwortet der Fisch: «Mensch denk doch mal an dich selbst!»
Der Fisch schwimmt weiter, da klatscht sich der Hai mit seiner Flosse an die Stirn und sagt: «Nah klar Uwe.»
Elvisthegreat
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A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man.
"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:
"What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man.
"I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says.
"I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "Just the O'Malley twins….drunk again."
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man.
"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:
"What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man.
"I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says.
"I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "Just the O'Malley twins….drunk again."
WeDoTheRest
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