Humor Schmunzelecke - Nur Text-Witze 2

[Marie Huana]

Welches Raubtier ist nordöstlich von Dortmund beheimatet?

Spoiler

Der Kamenbär

Nein, nach H.-D. Hüsch heißt Das Tier Camêmmbert! ^^

 

[Elvisthegreat]

A young lady confidently walked around the room with a raised glass of water while leading a seminar and explaining stress management to her audience.
Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'Half empty or half full?'
She fooled them all.
"How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile.
Answers called out ranged from 8 ounces to 20 ounces.
She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter.
It depends on how long I hold it.
If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.
If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.
In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."
She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress.
If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."
"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again.
When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced.
So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down.
Don't carry them through the evening and into the night.
Pick them up again tomorrow if you must.
1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
2 *Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
4 * Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
5 *If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8 * Never buy a car you can't push.
9 *Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.
13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
15 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
16 * We could learn a lot from crayons.
Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull.
Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
17 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
18 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY
19 *Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate!*
Today someone asked me if I liked you all.
I laughed, and said, "Ha! That's funny!! I absolutely LOVE them!
They're funny, caring, crazy as heck, sweet, beautiful, they're reading this email right now & I love them!"
Be the kind of person that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says~~ "Oh Crap, they're up!"
Have a Great Day

 

[Elvisthegreat]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

 

[Elvisthegreat]

 

[clonie]

- Wie war der Name noch gleich?
- Ramses.
- Wie schreibt man das?
- So wie man's spricht: Welle, Auge, Typ mit Peitsche, Skarabäus, Skarabäus

 

[fa66]

Also bitte: Mit Sonne vorn, wegen Ra.

Rechtschreibungsfehler gab’s wohl schon damals. Und mangels Tippex musste die Fehlstelle ausgemörtelt werden.

 

[Elvisthegreat]

You can retire to Arizona where…
1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
-OR-
You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.
-OR-
You can retire to New York City where...
1 You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression
-OR-
You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
-OR-
You can retire to The Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin " is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder.”
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart” at the end!
-OR-
You can move to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail
-OR-
You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end every sentence with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?”
-OR-
FINALLY you can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

 

[MacQandalf]

You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

Ich habe mich und einige Kollegen da wiedererkannt.

 

[ZerosWelt]

 

[Jubilado]

Vorhin in der S - Bahn:
Ein Typ sitzt mit Handy und Kopfhörern und geschlossenen Augen da und nickt seit 10 Minuten ständig vor sich hin.

Aha, denke ich, heisser Beat....

Nach 10 weiteren Minuten sagt er plötzlich:
"Äh Schatz, Schatz, darf ich jetzt auch mal was dazu sagen?"

 

[fa66]

In der Straßenbahn:
Noch 1990: Jemand brabbelt Halbunverständliches in seinen Schal. »Kuck ma’, der führt Selbstgespräche.«
Seit 2010: Jemand brabbelt Halbunverständliches in seinen Schal. »Kuck ma’, der führt selbst Gespräche für die Arbeit in der Öffentlichkeit.«

 

[aao_scout]

Welche Sprache wird in der Sauna gesprochen?

Spoiler

Schwitzerdeutsch

Gruß
aao_scout

 

[Elvisthegreat]

 

[Willeswind]

Ein russischer Kosmonaut kehrt nach mehreren Monaten im Weltraum zur Erde zurück, und der Kommandant informiert ihn über die jüngsten Ereignisse:

- Laut Präsident Putin führen wir eine besondere Militäroperation in der Ukraine durch. In Wirklichkeit handelt es sich um einen Konflikt zwischen Russland und der NATO, in dem es darum geht, wer die Welt in den nächsten hundert Jahren beherrschen wird.

- Wie ist die Lage jetzt?

- Wir haben über 15.000 Soldaten, 6 Generäle, 500 Panzer, 3 Schiffe, 100 Flugzeuge und 1000 gepanzerte Transporter verloren.
Fragt der schockierte Kosmonaut:

- Und die NATO?

- Die NATO ist noch nicht angekommen

 

[Elvisthegreat]

What do you call a typo on a tombstone ?
A grave mistake.

 

[Elvisthegreat]

 

[Elvisthegreat]

Leben in Virginia


ADVICE FOR ANYONE MOVING TO VIRGINIA:

1. Save all bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

4. Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat, it's the humidity". And the collateral phrase "You call this hot? Wait till August."

5. Don't tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares.

6. If you think it's too hot, don't worry. It'll cool down-in December.

7. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol, a Chevy, Dodge, or Ford is.

8. If someone says they're "fixin" to do something, that doesn't mean anything's broken.

9. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade.

10. If you are driving a slower moving vehicle, on a two lane road pull onto the shoulder that is called "courtesy".

11. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hot dogs outdoors.

12. Yes, weddings, funerals, and divorces must take into account for Football games.

13. Everything is better with Ranch dressing.

14. DO NOT honk your horn at us to be obnoxious, we will sit there until we die.

15. We pull over and stop for emergency vehicles to pass.

16. We pull over for funeral processions, turn our music off and men remove hats or caps. Some people put their hand over their heart.

17. "Bless your Heart" is a nice way of saying you're an idiot.

18. There will always be a tractor on the two lane when you are running late, so allow time for that.

19. If you don't like the weather in Virginia, wait 15 minutes, it will change.

 

[Elvisthegreat]

 

[aao_scout]

When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I'm no longer young.

Gruß
aao_scout

 

[Ralle2007]

Sie: „Schatz, weißt du, was ich dir zum Geburtstag schenke?“
Er: „Keine Ahnung, was denn?“
Sie: „Siehst du den nagelneuen roten BMW vor der Haustür?“
Er: „Wow! Wie toll! Ich bin begeistert! Schatz, ich liebe dich über alles! Ist das wirklich dein Ernst?“
Sie: „Ja! Ich habe Dir eine Yogamatte in genau dieser Farbe gekauft“.