Humor Schmunzelecke - Nur Text-Witze 2

[Ralle2007]

Treffen sich zwei Fische. Sagt der eine: „H(a)i!“. Sagt der andere ganz erschrocken: „Wo? Wo? Wo?“

 

[Elvisthegreat]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so

I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,

and I said, "Nothing."

The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.

 

[Elvisthegreat]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Elderly Irish cop.
He thinks that he is smarter than the old cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop’s expense!
The old Irish cop says, “License and registration, please.”
London Lawyer says, “What for?”
Irish cop says, “Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
The old Irish cop says,
“Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please”
London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”
Irish cop says,
“The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”
London Lawyer says,
“If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”
The old cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Old Cop takes out his baton, starts beating the lawyer with it, and says,
“Daeye want me to stop or just slow down?”

 

[Elvisthegreat]

Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.
So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:
-Is Crimea ours?
-Yes, it is.
-And the Donbas?
-Also ours.
-And Kyiv?
-We got that too.
Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks:
-Thanks, how much do I owe you?
-5 euros.

 

[Elvisthegreat]

 

[Mahonra]

Me: You wanna go upstairs?
Him: Sure
Me: You got protection?
Him: Why? What's up there?

 

[Mahonra]

Spoiler: Guess what’s on the menu?

Me-n-u☺️

 

[Mahonra]

What did one boat say to the other boat? Are you interested in a little row-mance?🤔

 

[Elvisthegreat]

A doctor, a lawyer and an engineer are arrested during the French Revolution for the crime of being rich and are sent to the guillotine.

The executioner brings the doctor up the steps first.

“How do you wish to die Monsieur?”

“I wish to die with honor” replies the doctor. This means that he goes into the guillotine head first with no blindfold, so he can face the blade that will end his life. So in, face up, he goes.

The executioner pulls the cord, the blades falls… and stops halfway down. The executioner being a superstitious man exclaims, “Monsieur, God must want you to live. We cannot execute you. You are free to go.”



Next comes the lawyer. “How do you wish to die Monsieur?”

“I wish to die with honor” replies the lawyer. So in he goes, no blindfold, face up.

The executioner pulls the cord, the blades falls… and again stops halfway down.

“Monsieur, God must want you to live. We cannot execute you. You are free to go,” says the executioner.



Next comes the engineer. “How do you wish to die Monsieur?” The engineer, being no fool, replies, “I too wish to die with honor.” And so, in he goes, no blindfold, face up.

The executioner reaches for the cord, unsure what will happen next, when the engineer says, “Wait! I see the problem.”

 

[Ralle2007]

“Chef, ich komme Montag etwas später zur Arbeit!” – “Okay, wann genau?” – “Am Dienstag!”

 

[MacQandalf]

Lachen 2 Heliumatome... HeHe.

 

[Jubilado]

Ich bin gerade in die Küche gerannt und habe meine Tochter um ein Telefonbuch gebeten.

Sie hat mich ausgelacht, mir ihr iPhone gereicht und gesagt: "Hier, alter Mann, das ist alles, was man dazu heute braucht".


Ende vom Lied: Die Spinne ist tot, das Handy kaputt und meine Tochter heult im Wohnzimmer.

 

[Mahonra]

Ich bin gerade in die Küche gerannt und habe meine Tochter um ein Telefonbuch gebeten.

Sie hat mich ausgelacht, mir ihr iPhone gereicht und gesagt: "Hier, alter Mann, das ist alles, was man dazu heute braucht".


Ende vom Lied: Die Spinne ist tot, das Handy kaputt und meine Tochter heult im Wohnzimmer.

Okay Boomer🤭

 

[kitesurfer35]

ein bild

 

[clonie]

ein Bild ist kein Text-Witz ^^

 

[ZerosWelt]

Flachwitz des Tages:

„Wie heißt die Frau von Herkules?”

Frau Kules

 

[fa66]

ein Bild ist kein Text-Witz

Hmm?
Die abgebildete Zeichensequenz »Strompreis explodiert. Frau steigt von Vibrator auf Ehemann um« ist doch Text.

Der Nochflacherwitz des Tages:

»Wie heißt das Reh mit Vornamen?«
»Kartoffelpü.«

 

[WollMac]

»Wie heißt das Reh mit Vornamen?«
»Kartoffelpü.«

Wie heißt der Affe mit Nachnamen?

Spoiler: Affe

narsch

 

[Mahonra]

ein bild
Anhang anzeigen 365585

Auf welchen Ehemann steigt sie um?🤔

 

[WollMac]

Auf welchen Ehemann steigt sie um?🤔

Ihren eigenen? 1.0? 2.0?