Humor Schmunzelecke - Nur Text-Witze 2

[MmeBezier]

Last night I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda but it was just a fanta sea🤷🏻‍♀️

Wobei ich in keiner Fanta sea schwimmen möchte.

 

[Elvisthegreat]

"He who stops to ponder and think will generally come out ahead."

When Gandhi was studying law at University College, London, a Caucasian professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected, there were always arguments and confrontations.

One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University, and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor said, "Mr. Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat."

Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, "You do not worry professor. I'll fly away," and he went and sat at another table. Mr. Peters, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions.

Mr. Peters, unhappy and frustrated, asked him the following question. "Mr. Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package, and within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money, which one would you take?"

Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, "The one with the money, of course."

Mr. Peters, smiling sarcastically, said, "I, in your place, would have taken wisdom, don't you think?

Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded, "Each one takes what he doesn't have."

Mr. Peters, by this time was beside himself and so great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi's exam sheet the word "idiot" and gave it to Gandhi. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move.

A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, "Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade."

Wit always wins over anger.

 

[WollMac]

Es tut mir leid, dass ich Ihnen diese E-Mail, die in Ihrem Junk-Ordner eingegangen ist, als unerwünschte E-Mail gesendet habe. Ich heiße Huang Jinping. Ich habe einen Geschäftsvorschlag für Aug. Ich weiß, dass dieser Geschäftsvorschlag for Sie von Interesse sein würde. Für weitere Informationen kontaktieren Sie mich bitte

 

[Ezekeel]

Es tut mir leid, dass ich Ihnen diese E-Mail, die in Ihrem Junk-Ordner eingegangen ist, als unerwünschte E-Mail gesendet habe. Ich heiße Huang Jinping. Ich habe einen Geschäftsvorschlag für Aug. Ich weiß, dass dieser Geschäftsvorschlag for Sie von Interesse sein würde. Für weitere Informationen kontaktieren Sie mich bitte

das ist erfrischend ehrlich, oder?

 

[Mahonra]

Es tut mir leid, dass ich Ihnen diese E-Mail, die in Ihrem Junk-Ordner eingegangen ist, als unerwünschte E-Mail gesendet habe. Ich heiße Huang Jinping. Ich habe einen Geschäftsvorschlag für Aug. Ich weiß, dass dieser Geschäftsvorschlag for Sie von Interesse sein würde. Für weitere Informationen kontaktieren Sie mich bitte

Wie geht es weiter wirst du Huang Jinping kontaktieren?🤔

 

[t_h_o_m_a_s]

Er schaltet jetzt unverzüglich Hop Sing ein.

 

[Difool]

Er schaltet jetzt unverzüglich Hop Sing ein.

War das nicht Bob Hope?

 

[t_h_o_m_a_s]

War das nicht Bob Hope?

Joa, altersmäßig würde der auch auf die Ponderosa passen.

 

[WollMac]

Wie geht es weiter wirst du Huang Jinping kontaktieren?🤔

Mal sehen. Vielleicht werde ich ihn um einen Vorschuss von 10 000,- € für Bestechungsgelder bitten.
Oder so...

 

[Homebrew]

Kommt ein Kunde ins Kaufhaus:
“Sagen Sie mal, gibt es hier keine Socken?“
Nein, antwortet der Verkäufer..
“Keine Socken sind im zweiten Stock,
hier gibt’s keine Hemden“

 

[WeDoTheRest]

Das ist aber ein umgestrickter DDR-Witz. Hier das Original:

- Haben sie keine Brötchen?
- Nein... wir haben kein Gemüse. Keine Brötchen gibt's da drüben.

 

[fa66]

…Ich kenn den mit Hämmern, Nägeln und fehlenden Schlössern am Laden.
»… Was haben sie dann?« — »Geöffnet.«

 

[Elvisthegreat]

Climate change and “follow the science”….

The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the Winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the Winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, ‘Is the coming Winter going to be cold?’

‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,’ the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold Winter?’

‘Yes,’ the man at National Weather Service again replied, ‘it’s going to be a very cold Winter.’

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the Chief called the National Weather Service again. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the Winter is going to be very cold?’

‘Absolutely,’ the man replied. ‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest Winters we’ve ever seen.’

‘How can you be so sure?’ the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, ‘The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'.

 

[Elvisthegreat]

How Crypto Currency works...

Not long ago a merchant found a lot of monkeys that lived near a certain Village .
One day he came to the Village saying he wanted to buy these monkeys !
He announced that he would buy the monkeys at $100 each.
The Villagers thought that this man must be crazy - How can somebody buy Stray Monkeys at $100 each ?
Still some People caught some monkeys and gave it to this merchant and he gave $100 for each monkey.
This News spread like wildfire and People caught monkeys and sold them to the merchant.
After a few days, the merchant announced that he will buy monkeys at $200 each.
The lazy villagers also ran around to catch the remaining monkeys!
They sold the remaining monkeys at $200 each.
The merchant then announced that he will buy monkeys for $500 each!
The villagers start to lose sleep!.....They caught six or seven monkeys, which was all that was left and got $500 each.
The Villagers were waiting anxiously for the next announcement.
Then the merchant announced that he is going on Holiday for a week, but when he returns, he will buy monkeys at $1000 each!
He also said that his employee will be in charge, and would take care of the monkeys he bought pending his return.
The Merchant went on holiday!
The Villagers were frantic and very sad as there were no more monkeys left for them to sell it at $1000 each as was promised by the Merchant.
Then the Merchant’s Employee contacted them and told them that he would secretly sell them some monkeys at $700 each.
The news spread like wildfire. As the Merchant promised on his return that he would buy monkeys at $1000 each, they would achieve a $300 profit for each monkey.
The next day The Villagers queued up near the Monkey Cage.
The Employee sold all the monkeys at $700 each. The Rich bought monkeys in large lots. The poor borrowed money from money lenders and bought the rest of the monkeys!
The Villagers took care of their monkeys & waited for the Merchant to return!
However nobody came ! ..... Then they ran to Find the Employee ....However he was not to be found!
The Villagers then realized that they have been duped buying the useless Stray monkeys at $700each, and were now unable to sell them!
This Monkey Business is now known as Bitcoin !

It will make a-lot of People bankrupt and a very few People filthy rich in this kind of Monkey Business.

 

[WollMac]

…Ich kenn den mit Hämmern, Nägeln und fehlenden Schlössern am Laden.
»… Was haben sie dann?« — »Geöffnet.«

Welches war das gebirgigste Land Europas?
Die DDR. Überall Engpässe.

 

[picknicker1971]

Rage Against the Machine never specified
what type of machine they were furious with
but I reckon it was probably a printer.

 

[Difool]

Schaue momentan die empfehlenswerte Serie "Merz gegen Merz" und in der 3. Episode
kam ein schöner Text-Schmanckerl betreffs kreative Netzwerk-Namen:

"Jetzt müsstest du das Wlan aber sehen!"
"Nee, seh' nix."
"Wie? Du siehst keinen 'Martin Router King' ?

 

[Homebrew]

Irgendwo gelesen : “Eigentlich wollte ich Arzt werden, muss nun ein Praktikum im Testzentrum absolvieren. Man muss halt Abstriche machen“

 

[aao_scout]

"Und, was hast Du mit Deinem Weihnachtsgeld gemacht?"
"Vollgetankt!"
"Und der Rest?"
"Haben meine Eltern draufgelegt."

Gruß
aao_scout

 

[picknicker1971]

Our dad was in the hospital and they asked us for his blood type.
But we couldn't remember and he didn't make it.
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive" but it will be hard without him.