Humor Schmunzelecke - Nur Text-Witze 2

[fa66]

.. nee nee, ich konnte nicht wiederstehen

Anhang anzeigen 329047

…nee, nee, des is koi fisch, des is a familienmitglied.

 

[Ralle2007]

…nee, nee, des is koi fisch, des is a familienmitglied.

Upps

 

[Ralle2007]

Ein Hundehalter möchte seinen Hund verkaufen. Ein interessierter Käufer begutachtet den Schäferhund und fragt: «Das ist ein schönes Tier, aber ist der auch treu?»

Der Hundeverkäufer antwortet: «Natürlich, ich habe ihn schon dreimal verkauft, und jedes Mal ist er zurückgekommen.»

 

[Ralle2007]

Tilda zum Papa : "Ich wünsche mir ein Pony zu Weihnachten." Papa : "Geht in Ordnung." Tilda : „Wirklich? Ich liebe dich über alles!“

Papa an Heiligabend : „So Tilda, dein Friseurtermin steht!“

 

[Elvisthegreat]

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for
Tuesday.

 

[PiaggioX8]

Musst du jetzt Bier trinken? -- Nein, musss ich nicht - mach ich ganz freiwillig.....

 

[Ralle2007]

Was ist ein Keks unter einem Baum? – Ein schattiges Plätzchen

 

[Elvisthegreat]

It might bring a tear or two along the way!

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine. He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine.
One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do you think about the situation in the stock market?"
The man answered arrogantly, "Why are you so interested in that topic?"
The shoe guy replies, "I have millions in your bank," he says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."
"What"s your name? " asked the executive.
John H. Smith was the reply.
The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department; Do we have a client named John H. Smith? "Certainly, answers the Customer Service Manager, "he is a high net worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account."
The executive comes out, approaches the shoe shiner, and says, "Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we could learn something from your life's experience."
At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members.
"We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoe shine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him."
Mr. Smith began his story.
"I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options, eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele.I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place. Finally, 6 months ago, my sister, who was a Hooker in Chicago, passed away and left me 12.6 million dollars.

 

[Clemens49]

Neulich im Baumarkt:
"Ich hätte gern drei Dachlatten."
"Gerne. Wie lang?"
"Für immer."

 

[cmo]

Habe mal in den USA in einem Mietwagen das Navi auf Deutsch gestellt, sehr lustig

Das hier lohnt sich, um endlich die richtige Aussprache vieler schwieriger Worte kennenzulernen, erfordert etwas Zeit:

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL45xb3ujEhqUexNt53jb9WT2mS-uUaUrn

 

[Jubilado]

Falls du heute mal wieder einen dieser „Ich hasse meinen Job“ – Tage hast, versuche es mal damit:

Gehe nach Feierabend in eine Apotheke und gehe zu den Fieberthermometern. Kaufe ein Rektalthermometer der Marke „Johnson & Johnson“. Versichere dich, dass es dieser Hersteller ist!

Wenn du zu Hause bist, schließe deine Türen ab, stecke dein Telefon aus und stelle die Klingel ab. Du darfst nicht gestört werden!

Ziehe dir bequeme Kleidung an und mache es dir in deinem Bett so richtig gemütlich. Jetzt öffne die Packung und nehme das Rektalthermometer zur Hand. Lege es vorsichtig neben dir auf das Bett, so dass es nicht beschädigt wird. Nehme nun die Packungsbeilage aus der Verpackung und lese sie dir durch.

Du wirst auf den folgenden Satz stoßen:

„Jedes Rektalthermometer der Marke Johnson & Johnson“ ist persönlich getestet.“

Nun schließe deine Augen und wiederhole diesen Satz fünf mal laut: „Ich bin so glücklich, dass ich nicht in der Qualitätskontrolle bei der Firma „Johnson & Johnson“ arbeite!!“.
Merke: Es gibt immer irgendwo jemanden, mit einem schlechteren Job als Deinen!
Na dann einen schönen Tag….

 

[Willeswind]

Das hier lohnt sich, um endlich die richtige Aussprache vieler schwieriger Worte kennenzulernen, erfordert etwas Zeit:

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL45xb3ujEhqUexNt53jb9WT2mS-uUaUrn

Und hier für die richtig schwierigen Wörter:
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL1ABF6820EA98D487

 

[Elvisthegreat]

The light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him.
I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'World Peace' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

 

[aao_scout]

A farmer and his wife are having trouble in their marriage so they went to a marriage counselor
“what can I do to keep my wife, I don’t think she loves me no more,” asked the farmer.
The marriage counselor whispered into his ear.
The next day the farmer was seen by his neighbors dancing naked in front of his John Deere. They ran out into the field with a blanket and covered him up.
“What on earth are you doing?” They yelled
“I’m trying to keep my wife,” said the Farmer. “The marriage counselor told me to do something sexy to a tractor.”

Gruß
aao_scout

 

[aao_scout]

Ich würde mich ja gerne mit ihnen Geistig duellieren. Aber wie ich sehe sie sind Unbewaffnet!

Gruß
aao_scout

 

[WollMac]

Straßenumfrage:
"Was sagen sie als Außenstehender zum Thema Intelligenz?"

 

[Mahonra]

Heute in der S-Bahn eine Durchsage vom Zugführer: Wegen einer technischen Störung an diesem Schrotthaufen endet diese Fahrt in Zuffenhausen✌️😂

 

[MmeBezier]

Heute in der S-Bahn eine Durchsage vom Zugführer: Wegen einer technischen Störung an diesem Schrotthaufen endet diese Fahrt in Zuffenhausen✌️😂

Hätte auch hier passieren können. Da bleiben die alten Züge immer auf der Strecke auf dem Gleis stehen - und bis sich andere Züge aus dem Weg räumen, so dass ein Abschleppzug eingesetzt werden kann, da kannste dann ein Taxi in die Arbeit nehmen. (Und das bei 80 Euro Monatskarte. ) Aber ich fahr da ja jetzt nimmer.

 

[punkreas]

Und dann? Weiter im Porsche-shuttle?

 

[MmeBezier]

Und dann? Weiter im Porsche-shuttle?

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